SoulSpeak

Throughout the past year I promised myself I would write and post my thoughts on this platform. I was always full of momentum and creative energy. And yet, without much difference, that momentum would wane and I would allow my excuses to block my blessings.

I woke up today, several times. It seems each time I woke up, I had another set of thoughts and questions running through my mind and calling for my adherence. The thoughts and feelings were significant. I knew, I felt, I was being led onward by some other part of me, my Higher Self, maybe my Future Self. Anyway, I want to share some of these thoughts and personal observations to catalogue them and have a reminder of what is before me this year.

My dreams included scenes where I was doing work that was bringing me no real joy at their worst and irritation at their best. I found myself being given these personal observations.

1. I keep trying to fit in and belong. I continue to make decisions out of this subtle underlying fear. It’s not so much about being alone as having no community or family or friends or tribe. No shade on anyone, this is all internal. And this fear initiated and supported mindset, and its accompanying behaviors have run their course. It’s time to face and be how I feel and think.
2. This one is a first cousin to number one. Fear of being left out or missing the boat. Maybe it’s like the movie 2012. The world is coming to an end, and I have no clear path to safety. I realized I was stressing myself out to belong to a community yet each time I was to join in an online event, etc. I had an excuse. Or I had to force myself to tune in. I woke realizing that my reasoning for joining was more from fear and less from genuine kinship. I have to, get to, look at where else I am extorting myself.
3. Here’s one to scare the pants off me: What really turns me on? I mean, each time I face this I encounter the lifetime of conditioning and programming. I have no easy access to what really lights me up on the inside. And even when I get close, the conditioned response of fear steps in and I step back in line. Or as a song says, “get with the program”. It’s unnerving how deeply removed or suppressed my unique joys and desires are from me. Afraid that if I approach or stay too long, I will be punished, ridiculed or destroyed. How frightening growing up must be for some children.
4. This one is essential in that it is deeply personal and sets me apart from most of my peers and family.  The question is, Who really called me? Calls me? When I reflect on my dreams and real time journeys I speak of people and places no one I know or am related to mostly, gets it. The first call was to the West, the desert southwest. And that’s a far piece from Cleveland Ohio. The second call came from Hawaii. And such that on my last trip to Hawaii, the island, I heard The Mother welcome me home. After Hawaii, the first time, came The Mayans in Copan Honduras where I first learned of their reality. 20 years later, I was called again by The Mayans, or as my friend Mai called them, The Mayab. I try to be with and from somewhere else, yet to claim these ancestors seems sacrilegious. And to deny the Copper-colored American Indians is hubris. Who calls me and where do I go next?
5. Which leads seamlessly to the next waking inquiry. Who am I for real? I mean, do you get a sense of how intense my mind/soul/spirit awakenings are? This question, this personal inquiry requires the deconditioning of 70+ years and that’s not counting past-lives and pre-natal conditions.
6. The next one was simpler but still a challenge. What makes me smile? Which was followed by what brings me joy? Well as I contemplated these questions I could more easily move into what I can release and maybe what I can embrace. This is the journey of this year.

Well, I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts, The Eye of Wisdom, and here are three pieces of ‘advice’ I wrote down: A) Release my grip on the past. Let it go. B) Move into who I am becoming, not who I’ve been. C) Move forward toward experiences that match my growth, not my wounds.

There’s more to come. I allow myself to write as much as I can. I allow myself to be comfortable in my skin, my story. It’s a challenge to remove the learned behaviors of this lifetime, however I guess I can handle it. Whatever yours are, I expect you can handle it too.

Peace